The Struggle Part 3

 **Trigger warning. This post is about my struggle with suicide. If you are currently struggling with your mental health and are not in the right headspace to read about something this dark/serious, don’t read any further. **

My suicidal ideations first crept into my life as ideas while driving into work. "What would happen if I just drove my car off the road into the tree line?" I knew what would happen but I fantasized about it every time I got behind the wheel. I would have times during the day where I would daydream about the accident that would hopefully kill me. We would respond to vehicle accidents at work, where there were fatalities and I absorbed everything from the scene. They were so lucky because it worked for them. As often as I thought about it (which was A LOT), I couldn’t bring myself to do it because it wasn’t a guarantee that it would work and I didn’t want to be the cause of other first responders potential issues. 

The problem (one of them) with being a first responder is that we have seen numerous ways to fail at taking your own life. As crazy as it sounds, I didn’t want to suffer or be a mess to clean up. So guns were out. Hanging? Nope. Drowning? Cutting? Poisoning? No, no, and no. It seemed like during this time, we had the most suicide related calls I’ve had in my entire career. Almost all of them were different in methods but had the same result… a death I didn’t want. Then came the call where I learned about exit bags.

This was what I was waiting for. As I learned more about this method, the more I liked it. It was already being used in Australia in a commercial format for euthanasia. Family members who were dying from a terminal illness or disease process could stop their suffering on their terms. I read through the list of items needed to make this happen and all I had to buy was a tank of helium. The VA had given me all the other components (minus tape). I found the Helium at Walmart in the party section. The last puzzle piece fell into place and I was ready. Days went by and then I had a particularly rough day at work. I can’t remember what happened but I came home physically and emotionally exhausted and wrecked. I made it through the day and as we often did, I went to Walmart to get ice cream after the kids were put to bed. My plan was becoming a reality.

(Continued)