The Struggle Part 2

 **Trigger warning. This post is about my struggle with suicide. If you are currently struggling with your mental health and are not in the right headspace to read about something this dark/serious, don’t read any further. **

I started getting tired of feeling like this but I didn't want to admit that I was tired or couldn't handle myself. I reluctantly started going to the VA to the Poly-Trauma Center and spoke with all types of Psychologists, Neuropsychologists, Psychiatrists, social workers. I hated being dissected and examined and prodded by all these people and it made me angry but I didn't let them in. Group therapy, individual therapy didn't work... because I didn't actively participate. Our collective time was being wasted because I didn't care to even try. 

My depression grew deeper and deeper because I kept digging. The things that mattered in my life started to be not so important. The people who were anchors for me weren’t able to keep me in a healthy place anymore. 

Many people have difficulty understanding where or how depression takes the turn from “just depression” to suicidal depression. I try to explain it as, seeing everything in your life in a mirror. In the beginning, the mirror is clean and you can see everything. As your mental health deteriorates, your mirror begins to steam up. We can still make out shapes or features but things are blurred. Occasionally we wipe the mirror and things are clear again… but then the steam creeps back in. So we go through the back and forth of steamed up, wipe, steam, wipe, steam, wipe. After enough times of wiping, you get tired. You’ll keep wiping for a while after you are tired but there comes a point when you have had enough… and you stop wiping. Those things in your life blur, become shapes of something we recognize, and eventually, we can’t see anything. It’s just steam and it’s all around us. 

While I was falling apart inside I learned to fake being ok. People may get the inkling that something is off with me but then I’d smile or joke it off and say “No, I’m fine”. I got really good at it and everyone believed me… except me. 

(Continued)