The Struggle Part 1

**Trigger warning. This post is about my struggle with suicide. If you are currently struggling with your mental health and are not in the right headspace to read about something this dark/serious, don’t read any further. **

Not that anyone has ever said it but… I’m not special and neither is my story. Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide every year (www.save.org). You read that correctly, which probably doesn’t factor in suicides that fall into other categories (vehicular suicide, for example). What makes my story worth anything is that I am willing to share it.

My experience was over the span of nearly 10 years. If my life during that time was like driving on a highway, I was gradually accelerating and ignoring all the exits, despite my fuel tank running down to nothing. Just pedal to the floor.

I had many opportunities to take care of myself but my pride and lack of understanding were my ultimate downfall. 

My exposure to the Iraq war was the catalyst for the majority of my mental health issues. Being a medic was a unique position to be in during conflict. We often witnessed the beginning, middle, and end of traumatic injuries via small arms fire exchange, explosions, fire. 

There were other factors to war that I'm sure many of us had to cope with like dealing with the death of friends and other service members. The death of enemy combatants. The death of civilians in the wrong place at the right time. Then there was trying to get your head around the possibility of your death. I had to accept the real possibility that every time I went out could be my last. I saw the reality of those who could not deal with it. There is a breakdown and the person becomes highly emotional and irrational. I did not want any part of that. I thought about it all, the different ways that it could happen, how I may react to it, and made peace with it. I was going to do what I was trained to do, as long as I could do it, and hope that if my number was drawn that I wouldn't even know it had happened. It actually made doing my job easier because I wasn't worried about it anymore. I did not have the mentality that I was indestructible or lucky, I just understood that it could happen... just as easily as it wouldn't happen. 

Back at home, I was having trouble sleeping. This alone can make life a living hell, given enough time. Nightmares kept me from staying asleep and my reactions to them kept me from falling back asleep. Nightmares are a hell of a thing to deal with. Not only did I dream about the things I saw and did but the things that might have gone differently. My brain seemed to go out of its way to take all the close calls and turn them into stories of what it would look like if it actually happened. Dreams about not doing my job right, making error after error, or failing my brothers in some way. It got to a point where being awake was maddening and sleeping was hell. 

Anger and hate are emotions or expressions that are welcomed in conflict. They will keep you alive by keeping you on your toes. Keeping your guard up, ready to respond. This does not translate to home life very well. Like, not at ALL. I needed to have all the other emotions and expressions come back but I had pushed them away because they could affect my job performance. Living this way has a cumulative effect, like sleep deprivation. I was always angry. Angry for no reason. My head was a mess and nothing I thought really made any kind of sense. Why was I so mad? What was I mad at? Being mad because other people didn't like me being mad. Being angry because I have to work with people who didn't know. I don't know what they didn't know... but I didn't like it. 

Anger eventually allowed another feeling into my life though... depression. I had lost my purpose when I left the Army. Even though I joined the Fire Service, it wasn't the same. I missed the men I served with, I missed the thrill of combat, I missed the feeling of being alive after coming so close to death. Regular life was muted in comparison and it made me fucking miserable. My depression was probably palpable but when asked if I was ok... I got angry. The negative loop was being fed well and I let it run. 

(Continued)

Monsters are real… they live inside of us and sometimes, they win.

This post was started in 2022.

It’s hard not to feel like all I do is get knocked down. We’ve all heard the  “get back up” variations to different hard scenarios in life.  Where are the words of wisdom when you are tired of getting back up? Most people experience setbacks or changes that cause stress and emotional lows and they deal with it or they don’t. They adapt or they don’t. What about the “don’t” people? The people who are just tired. Tired of picking themselves up and brushing themselves off. Tired of being beat down. Tired of being tired. 

It’s real. The feelings of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion are real. These are things I deal with every day and it has become commonplace.

There are (many) days that I wake up and think, “fuck… I woke up”. I get up, get my shot together, and get on with the day. Like Everlast said, “that's how I'm living, that's how it goes”, one day at a time. Tomorrow is tomorrows problem and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about tomorrow. 

So my ship drifts on… on the ocean that is my life and I try to enjoy the good days and survive the bad, one day at a time. 

The Power of Help

 

There was a time when I thought I could handle my mental health issues. I knew myself (or thought I did) and I could deal with my own problems.

Wrong.

My hubris kept me from embracing all the amazing parts of a healthy recovery. I pushed away my wife, family, friends, and medical professionals. I didn’t need someone to tell me how to take care of ME! 

They say the male frontal lobe doesn't reach full maturity until 25 years of age... But it might be longer in some.

So I was resistant. Resistant to talk, resistant to listen, resistant to suggestions, resistant to avenues of help I have never recovered... Because I was too proud. 

Proud of what? That I was a man? That I was a military veteran? A war veteran? A firefighter? Excuses. Every last one. 

I was afraid. Afraid of what I knew but more afraid of what I did't know.

It only took years of personal abuse (denial, depression, drugs, and alcohol), abusing those in my life (emotional and mental), and nearly taking my own life to realize my issues were bigger than I could handle.

I started by talking with my wife, which allowed me to be honest and vulnerable. I always felt there was a negative association with vulnerability but it couldn't be further from the truth. It allows you to be honest and understanding.

Conversations led to options that continued to open and branch out. I learned it was ok to not like everything I tried. It was part of the process and part of the healing. 

Part of me wishes I could go back and make changes and better choices... But I wouldn't be who I am today. I made it a lot harder than it needed to be. 

Believe me, it's harder to be stubborn and push everything away. Be better than I was... Choose a better path.

The Struggle Part 3

 **Trigger warning. This post is about my struggle with suicide. If you are currently struggling with your mental health and are not in the right headspace to read about something this dark/serious, don’t read any further. **

My suicidal ideations first crept into my life as ideas while driving into work. "What would happen if I just drove my car off the road into the tree line?" I knew what would happen but I fantasized about it every time I got behind the wheel. I would have times during the day where I would daydream about the accident that would hopefully kill me. We would respond to vehicle accidents at work, where there were fatalities and I absorbed everything from the scene. They were so lucky because it worked for them. As often as I thought about it (which was A LOT), I couldn’t bring myself to do it because it wasn’t a guarantee that it would work and I didn’t want to be the cause of other first responders potential issues. 

The problem (one of them) with being a first responder is that we have seen numerous ways to fail at taking your own life. As crazy as it sounds, I didn’t want to suffer or be a mess to clean up. So guns were out. Hanging? Nope. Drowning? Cutting? Poisoning? No, no, and no. It seemed like during this time, we had the most suicide related calls I’ve had in my entire career. Almost all of them were different in methods but had the same result… a death I didn’t want. Then came the call where I learned about exit bags.

This was what I was waiting for. As I learned more about this method, the more I liked it. It was already being used in Australia in a commercial format for euthanasia. Family members who were dying from a terminal illness or disease process could stop their suffering on their terms. I read through the list of items needed to make this happen and all I had to buy was a tank of helium. The VA had given me all the other components (minus tape). I found the Helium at Walmart in the party section. The last puzzle piece fell into place and I was ready. Days went by and then I had a particularly rough day at work. I can’t remember what happened but I came home physically and emotionally exhausted and wrecked. I made it through the day and as we often did, I went to Walmart to get ice cream after the kids were put to bed. My plan was becoming a reality.

(Continued)

The Struggle Part 2

 **Trigger warning. This post is about my struggle with suicide. If you are currently struggling with your mental health and are not in the right headspace to read about something this dark/serious, don’t read any further. **

I started getting tired of feeling like this but I didn't want to admit that I was tired or couldn't handle myself. I reluctantly started going to the VA to the Poly-Trauma Center and spoke with all types of Psychologists, Neuropsychologists, Psychiatrists, social workers. I hated being dissected and examined and prodded by all these people and it made me angry but I didn't let them in. Group therapy, individual therapy didn't work... because I didn't actively participate. Our collective time was being wasted because I didn't care to even try. 

My depression grew deeper and deeper because I kept digging. The things that mattered in my life started to be not so important. The people who were anchors for me weren’t able to keep me in a healthy place anymore. 

Many people have difficulty understanding where or how depression takes the turn from “just depression” to suicidal depression. I try to explain it as, seeing everything in your life in a mirror. In the beginning, the mirror is clean and you can see everything. As your mental health deteriorates, your mirror begins to steam up. We can still make out shapes or features but things are blurred. Occasionally we wipe the mirror and things are clear again… but then the steam creeps back in. So we go through the back and forth of steamed up, wipe, steam, wipe, steam, wipe. After enough times of wiping, you get tired. You’ll keep wiping for a while after you are tired but there comes a point when you have had enough… and you stop wiping. Those things in your life blur, become shapes of something we recognize, and eventually, we can’t see anything. It’s just steam and it’s all around us. 

While I was falling apart inside I learned to fake being ok. People may get the inkling that something is off with me but then I’d smile or joke it off and say “No, I’m fine”. I got really good at it and everyone believed me… except me. 

(Continued)

I’m broken

I’ve been there. A lot of us may have been there. Many of us may still be there. 

It’s ok to not be ok.

I’ve seen that saying a lot and I want to unpack why I think it’s true.

Whatever you have going on in your life… family, friends, coworkers, fill in the blank… they can and will add stress to your life. Most of the time, those stressors are their own separate “bubble” and we can have several existing at the same time. 

Sometimes, those bubbles touch and merge, creating a new environment where the stressors amplify each other. If we have the right mental tools, we can separate them but it is something we have to know how to do. It can be learned.

If we allow these new bubbles to continue, they will merge with other stressors and continue to compound their stress. This is where breaks happen.  

Everyone is different and what may produce a great deal of stress on me could have minimal effect on you. Perhaps you have fewer stressors in your life but their volume may be greater.

Person “A” can work two jobs, over tasked in both, have a spouse and children at home, youth sports, and a broken stove. That’s a lot of stress.

Person “B” could be a stay at home parent with a special needs child. 

Is one scenario more stressful than the other? No. They are unique circumstances and how the person handles that stress is their own. Both could lead to serious issues with mental health. Both might not. 

The ability to recognize that you are treading water with your mental health is a big first step. Making that next step is even greater. Talking with someone (health care provider, spouse, friend, coworker) is a great way to relieve some of the internal pressure you may be feeling. That one conversation might be enough but it probably isn’t. 

Have the uncomfortable conversations. Realize that not being ok… really is ok. We have feelings, emotions, wants, and needs. If we allow something to fester and grow, it could lead to dangerous outcomes.

Better Tech, Better Sleep Pt. 3

(Continued from Part 2)

Our amazing tech is hijacking our sleep but we can flip that on its head.

The hardest part will be NO SCREEN TIME AN HOUR BEFORE BED. Good luck. It’s a struggle and I’m not above failing at this. My social media feed that is full of people jacking themselves up, puppies, and memes… it’s so enjoyable but I try and that’s all we can do.

When I took the 62Romeo sleep class, I was told to make my bedroom a sleep dojo and that’s what I did. No TV, phone gets plugged in out of reach and on “Do not disturb”. I try to block as much light as possible… I even have an eye mask for when I HAVE to get rest. Try to eliminate as much light and tech as possible. Your bedroom should be for two things… sleep and sex. That’s it. If you do this, your brain will start associating it with those things and will be primed to do one (or both) of those things.

Try breathing exercises. There are a lot of great apps (I know, it’s violating the “no tech” rule but this is very limited and you’ll learn them and ditch the phone quick). Breathing exercises will help slow your heart rate and calm you down, which will help you stay asleep.

Try a smart alarm clock like the Hatch Restore (I’m not promoting just this one but it’s what I have). There are a bunch of similar types and I’m sure they will offer similar results. What I like about this clock is I can schedule a “sleep routine” that helps me relax and get ready for sleep. It has a bunch of light options but I schedule mine to give me 30 minutes of red light while I do my breathing exercises and then the light goes out (no clock face/time shown) and it plays white noise (my fav is the dishwasher). If I have an alarm set for the next morning, it gradually increases the white/blue light I have set until my time and then it plays nice, melodic music to wake me up. I really like it when the light wakes me up before the sound… it’s way less jarring. 

So I don’t have an alarm clock that scares the piss out of me, like our alert tones do at work. Good. Now I’m going to need out on you. I like to know exactly how I’m sleeping. So I have a Whoop strap to track… everything but primarily I got it for my sleep. 

I also use a Withings Sleep Mat and between the two, I get a pretty good idea of how I actually slept.

I can see how I’m sleeping, how I’m recovering, are the night time rituals I’m doing actually doing ANYTHING?!?! You can get similar results off a Fitbit, Apple Watch, Garmin Watches, probably any smart watch. My point is, having DATA to show you how your sleep is, paired with how you are feeling could help you out. 

So there it is… my thoughts on tech for helping sleep and how to avoid it hurting you. Last thought, if you just CANNOT avoid using a device before bed, perhaps invest in some blue light blocking glasses or screen covers. These have been shown to be better than nothing and the settings on most devices can’t really eliminate ALL blue light.

Happy Sleeping!!